Cultivating Healthy Relationships

Healthy relationships are all about the 2 C’s - Communication and Connection.

Having deep dived into numerous studies that dwelled into the dynamics of relationships, during a research study I undertook during my undergraduate studies, there were two main findings that stood out for me as bright as daylight.

To make any kind of relationship work, you got to work on your Communication style. A lot of psychological research has gone into studying the three communication styles - Assertive, Passive, and Aggressive, and how they can make or break a relationship.

Imagine Aggressive communication as a stormy weather - forceful, intense in the moment, and potentially damaging in the long run. As you can imagine, this can damage a relationship as such communicators come across as hostile, and having a disregard for the other person.

On the flip side, Passive communicators avoids conflict but in the process, leave their needs unheard. It's like taking a step back, fearing you might disrupt the balance going on right now. They may say, "It's okay, do whatever you want," but deep down, they may feel unfulfilled or resentful for the decision taken by the other person. Following to continue this communication style can lead to eventually developing a low sense of self-worth.

As you may have figured out by now, the above two styles are not going to reap any benefits. So let’s explore the third style - Assertive communication. This style involves expressing needs and feelings clearly, yet with empathy. Assertive communicators are open to others' perspectives, maintaining a balance between expressing themselves and listening actively. Imagine calmly expressing your thoughts, "I feel this way when this happens, and I would appreciate it if we could find a solution together.”

For relationships to work, as much as Communication is important, developing a good Connection is also important.

A renowned Psychologist, John M Gottman, infamously spoke about the Four Horsemen of the apocalypse aka end of your relationship -  Stonewalling, Contempt, Criticism, and Defensiveness.

As the Gottman institute points out rightly, exhibiting either of these highly predict relationship failure with over 90% accuracy, if that behavior isn't changed.

If you are someone who gives the silent treatment during an argument, avoiding eye contact, or even physically leaving the room, then you are Stonewalling. Contempt sneaks into communication through sarcasm, eye-rolling, mockery, or any gesture that undermines the other person’s worth. Criticism is a powerful force, and if left unaddressed, it can breed resentment and distance. Here, concerns or complaints are expressed in a way that attacks the character of the opposite person. Instead of addressing a specific behavior, it becomes a general attack, making them feel attacked or blamed. Defensiveness is like putting up a shield when faced with criticism. It's a natural response, but it can escalate conflict. Instead of acknowledging the issue, defensive reactions often involve counter-attacks, making it difficult to address the initial concern.

Now that we have addressed the 2 important C’s, let’s do a little self-reflection here. What is your communication style? In your most significant relationships, do you see yourself unknowingly adopting the four horsemen? 

Now that you have identified where you stand, ask yourself - is this benefitting your relationships in any manner? How does this make the other person feel? More importantly, how does this make you feel?